Aug 18, 2007

Product reviews - the pocket pussy

Being a single bloke, you end up with spare time on occasion.

Now this is a dangerous thing. It normally results in one of a few things such as antisocial nerdy time on the old computer, skimming blogs for nudie bits, masturbation when good nudie bits are found, trying to figure out where you can buy a PS3 or Xbox at 2am, more masturbation, re-reading all the posts from Steph about her BOBs, cringing at Captain Smacks posts about spinning melons, wondering where you can buy a melon at 2am....the list goes on.

Anyhow, one thing seemed to be recurring here. When not flashing their beautiful busts, the girls in blogland love to talk about their battery operated boyfriends. With the exception of the melon story, I have however not seen too much in the way of toys for the boys being discussed.

Now I have to be careful here because I am bout to admit to the very hands typing this that I have recently cheated on them. If they leave me then I really will be all alone at night.

The first time I saw a fake pussy was at Sexpo in Melboune some years back. I was there with the finger lickin good Chickie and we were having a great laugh. After what seemed like endless stands of odds, sods and bobs for the girls or anally inclined boys, we happened onto the the fake pussy stand. It was odd. I think I had become numbed to fake dicks in bright colours with pox inspired lumps and bumps but the fake pussy's were alarming in their disembodied and quivering attention to detail.

The sign said touch me. I felt nervous. The girl on the stand was intimidating in her beauty and the thought of just walking up and fingering this lump of silicone rubber made me feel like my inner sicko was tattooed on my forehead.

Chickie saved the day. Walking straight up to it, she laughed and said "one finger or two on the first date?"

"Oh, you can fist this one if its your thing!" said the girl with a smile.

"Go on Josh, you got to feel this, it's freaky!" said Chickie.

Indeed it was, but before I had a chance to ponder the price tag and the political correctness of taking home a pocket pussy while in the company of my fuck buddy, a strip show started on the main stage and I was dragged off to ogle at girls with my dear lesbian friend.

Fast forward to a week back and my original train of thought here today (temporally displaced yet?...hang in there.)

After realising that I could not get a PS3 at 2am, the local quick-e-mart did not have any cute melons and a drive to the nearest sex shop would out last my enthusiasm, it was time to go online and re-visit the fake pussy collection for a future date. Years had passed, the technology should be amazing right?

It seemed that Kobe Tai's fake snatch was as tight as ever and looked exactly like it had all those years back, all be it without Chickie two knuckles deep in it. The price however was less than ideal and while I have no problem with top shelf shopping, it just seemed that I could have bought the real thing for less.

After looking around for a while, I finally hit on the "Jessica Drake, Wicked Masturbator Senso". It had the right price point for my entry into the world of fake pussy and if it was a dud root, nothing would really be lost.

The service was fast and in no time at all a non-descript white box was sitting on my front door step. Ironically this was all happening about the same time that Fingers was telling tales of a truck load of tranny and granny porn for his neighbour landing on his door step. It had been a nervous few days for me.

On opening the box I was alarmed to see how small the package inside was. Now this is not about bragging, but I had expected something bigger. My worst thoughts were being confirmed, the only people who bought these were losers without enough manhood to get the real opposed to self assured blokes that are just avoiding complications for a while.

Opening the packaging revealed a transparent, pink lump of silicone jelly with the tiniest, but cutest little pussy on one end. Again, the size concerned me. Parting the lips revealed a hole not more than 1/4" in diameter. I grabbed the box to check for "Novelty only", "Tease you mates about their manhood size...", 1/4 scale model" labels but no such luck.

The other feature was 10 bright pink balls beneath the surface, affectionately known as "stroker beads". At this point the whole thing was a little disturbing. It looked all high tech and science fiction which helped it look less like a body part left on the floor by dexter. It was just the detail and scale that made it wrong.

Here goes, I thought. Better be gentle, this thing looks as virginal as they come. Licking a finger, I gently parted the lips and slid my index finger in. I had expected it to be cold and clammy but it was oddly warm and welcoming. The pressure was firm and the texture was engaging, closing my eyes for a moment did not make it feel real, but hey, I had to see if it helped.

Time for some pre-launch checks.

Blinds, closed and secured - check
Lube - check
Porn, selected and running - check
Spunk rag ready - check
Mood and wood achieved - check

Chocks away ginger!

"Tower, requesting airways clearance for solo flight to pleasure ville via Wicked Masturbator Senso."

"Negative ghost rider, the pattern is full"

Focus damn it, stop thinking about Top Gun, Kelly McGillis is what 51 years old now? Fuck focus on the porn and the story!

So getting started with this thing was interesting to say the least. A bit of digital work to introduce the lube, some disconcerting stretching and a brief moment of juggling as my new friend tried to slither onto the carpet from slippery fingers and we still had not achieved penetration.

Adjusting my grip on the situation, it became apparent that blunt force was going to be required. The only guiding hand would be mine and the realisation that no amount of tenderness at the onset of this relationship would affect its longevity relaxed things a little.

With a bit of a grunt I was in. The first bead slid along the underside of my knob as the whole thing pressed in on me. It was actually rather intense. The more I slid in, the more it tickled until boom, I was out the other side. For a moment I just sat there stunned. It sure didn't look long enough before we had started but with the expansion to take my girth, Newtons laws had kicked in and the equal and opposite thing had happened to the length of my pocket pussy. It was now snuggled around the base of my dick with a fair bit of knob sticking out the end like some oversized cock ring.

Sliding back out again but staying engaged and I felt the tickle intensify. Not bad. Back in a gain, out again...hmmmm you get the idea!

At a moment of intensity things started to get weird. Much like the thai girl in Priscilla Queen of the Desert, my little pocket pussy started firing balls around the room. At first I did not know what was going on, after all my eyes were starting to roll back in my head. All I sensed with the first one was a flash of motion and a dull thud on the far side of the room.

Moving right along, and ping! Out shot another one. I caught the action this time and figured out what was happening, jeezuz, didn't see a warning on the box about this!

The closer I got, the more of these bright pink balls were shooting around the room. At one point I wondered if my beloved Plasma was in danger of getting injured as two balls pinged off the screen in machine gun sticatto.

I pushed on to the end. It was fantastic, like those great moments in sex we finished at the same time. She ran out of balls just as I emptied mine.

I was left in stunned silence, Gina as I had named her, still gripping me furiously. Not a bad root at all.

So I suppose the question will be if I should call her or not. Do I think this relationship is going anywhere?

It was odd and a bit of fun. It was nothing like the real thing apart from a bit of nervous fumbling at the start. She was not the most active partner although the trick with the balls sure made for a good stunt fuck.

All in all it was a good value laugh and a bit of a change of pace. I expect that I have now scared of all my female readers, I shall be getting to know Gina all the better from now on.

For the boys, I am not sure any girlfriend will welcome one of these in the bedroom but if your single and looking for a change of pace, it is worth a laugh and safer than a melon in the microwave!

Time to fess up, who else has boy toys and what are they?


Kitty said...

Where did my comment go???

Kitty said...

....I said something witty and clever about threesomes and Gina but I am so over blogger right now that I am not going to type it all in again.

phishez_rule said...

Thats classic! Are you sure you're not a girl in disguise? You seem to be one men are arseholes' post away from telling us that.

I once bought a set of three pocket strokers for a mate of mine in Queensland. He used to bitch that there were all kinds of toys for women, but nothing for guys. And he used to get jealous if I ever talked about mine.

I didn't realise the balls came out. (Please ignore all potential for puns there.) I thought they were IN the silicone. But what would I know about it?

Josh said...

Kitty, please try again. I want to know where you were going with this threesome plan...

Phish, well that just spoilt my next post!

As for a set of three pocket strokers, I really wanna be your friend - buying each other sex toys is the sincerest form of friendship.

Dislodging the balls was bit of a surprise...maybe a post with detailed anatomy of the device is required!

MadameBoffin said...

heh great post - highly illuminating. I've done a Chickie... at the sexpo this year, saw them and I had the exact same first instict - get hands deep in one. The one I was looking at felt disturbingly real inside.

--- Boff who no longer uses her Blogger a/c.


I think that you should stick to dancing, Rude Boy! :)

phishez_rule said...

He's actually quite a selfish person. Not a friend anymore.

Josh said...

Madameboffin, so happy you learnt something here. Was it that yes, boys are wankers?

I really want to quiz you more about your "disturbingly real inside" observations..

Ubermouth, what can I say, if your using your hips, it is all dancing right?

Phish, sorry to hear that. Bit awkward now and don't know how to make a joke out of that..

phishez_rule said...

We were good friends. I wish him the best. I just can't give any more to him.

I don't even know if he realises I've stopped talking to him. Though I did send him a gigantic 'go fuck yourself' after he had the nerve to call me selfish for only caring about people when they are down.

dmbmeg said...

Steph said...

LMAO! Did you break Gina?
I got my last boyfriend a Fleshlight as a joke gift and he fucking LOVED it!!

I think that's why we broke up. He found someone who would fuck him more and talk less. *cries*

MadameBoffin said...

Josh, heh no it wasn't that boys are wankers :) I'm glad that it's confirmed that guys do use sex toys... girls can sometimes feel a little sad that they're most consistent sex partner has been a toy :P

Honestly, it often seems like men have no shortage of booty on tap.

Re 'disturbingly real'... well, it did. Obviously, as the owner of my own real-life one I have a good basis for comparison. The one I was looking at was lubed up inside so it had this entirely satisfying slick feel and just a touch squelchy. The silicon was just amazing to feel and very snug/tight, I thought very lifelike... the only problem was there was no heat but apparently it could be heated up in a microwave first.

Josh said...

Phish, You gave him three lots of pussy to play with, what more does he want?

Dmbmeg, Glad you stopped by and were so lost for words. It is the first time I have got that reaction from a girl while wanking..

Steph, Now you made me blush..Asking me if I broke Gina? - I'll take that as a compliment and a vote over at penis secret then.

Well if nothing else that will teach you that the gift of pussy is no joke to a guy.

Don't cry baby, all is not lost, I'll listen to you yabber away before, during and after sexy times :)

Josh said...

Madameboffin, Hope this is not too presumptuous but I am booking a flight to Brisvegas to do a proper study on this.

Since you have identified yourself as having all the right bits for comparison, I feel it only fair that we do this scientifically over a few glasses of wine and a nice long evening at your place.

I hope we can avoid putting you in the microwave.

MadameBoffin said...

Such noble self-sacrifice. Truly, you are a man of science :P :)

Happily, a microwave is not necessary. I have the hawt ;)


unique_stephen said...

I've had a go with a fleshlight before and I can confirm that they rock. I had a bit of a audience at the party where it was given to me as a bit of a joke. Stupid thing to do really - what, did they think I wouldn't???

I'm a bit concerned about this device as you describe it tho' shouldn't it be a tube, ideally it would be throat shaped but without the teeth? I've had a bad experience with a cock ring, I thought I was going to end up castrated like a banded sheep.

I wonder if they come in tighter sizes - you could sell them like olive oil - virgin and extra virgin

Kitty said...

unique - did you fuck it in front of a room of people? surely not.

unique_stephen said...


Kitty said...

unique - wooooow weeeeee. you hornbag! i think you the 'quiet one' every one needs to be watching baby x

Josh said...

Madameboffin, Having seen your photos, yes you have the hawt. It looks like we can save the microwave for post coital hot chocolate.

Unique_Stephen, if i ever get a sheep, can I count on you to deal with the castration?

Kitty, he is one quiet one even I don't want to watch.

Jenny! said...

How did it taste? Can that thing sit on your face too?

Kitty said...

jenny! - hahahahahahha

Josh said...

Jenny!, I have to say say that as much as I love to dine at Cafe Y, the thought of going down on a the pocket pussy just did not cross my mind...Some things just taste better fresh!

Kitty, always fun to hear you laugh...

Jenny! said...

Ha! Fresh!

Jenny! said...

Always better fresh!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said... made that sound so good, it makes me want a pocket pussy of my own...and I already HAVE my very own pussy. ;)

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Porn Shop Worker said...

I got one the other day and i fucking love it it feels so real especially if you put it in some hot water before you use it.
Then it feels like a real pussy.
my girlfriend strokes me with it when shes on her period. She is a awesome chick. Yes I work at a porn shop and I sell more of these to men than dildos to women no lie. I also sell more dildos to men than women go figure lol
Peace Porn Shop Clerk

tlb813 said...

the best site I have ever found for a guys homemade sex toy is tntbangstick . com you control the heat and the tightness, unlike cold room temp rubber

69sunstate said...

Thank you for this wonderful article.
When i buy pocket pussy I am the happiest man in the world really, cause I don't have stupid and boring relationship and I fu*k all the time anyway :D