Short but sweet

The Christian has been fed to the lions so we are back to our regular programming.

It was my first break up via email which was right on par for her PDA scripted life. The weekend had gone swimmingly with dancing, dining and sexin without the sexin. If you know what I mean..

The wheels however started to fall of on Sunday morning right about the time she needed to be congregating.

The plan had been for her early departure to attend her church. This was obviously going to mess with my Sunday morning worship at the love cave but there are some sacrifices that need to be made right?

It was however going to give me a perfectly timed leave pass to go kite surfing. After all, it was blowing a freaking gale and despite the Arctic chill in the air it had been weeks since my last blast on the water.

The plans changed. It seemed that she had swapped a morning at church for some prerecorded sermons that she could listen to.

Now I am about as tolerant as they come but there are a few things that tick me off.

1) Changing the radio station in my car without invitation when you are a passenger.
2) Re-activating the Christian TV channel on my HD receiver
3) Talking about God as if he is in the room when I can clearly see that there is only the two of us here.
4) Any form of hypocrisy regarding your belief system.
5) Smelly people who can't dance.

This lady smelt nice and she is a great dancer so you can guess which 4 of the 5 she hit out on in our short time together.

With the sun starting to stream into the house and the rumble of motorbikes going for their Sunday morning sprint she announced she was getting up to listen to her sermons.

I thought about sorting myself out briefly but then figured that after her fill of God she may be feeling turned on so I would steady my hand for now. With that thought I rolled over and went straight back to sleep.

After another hour of sleep I awoke to hear the house filled with fire and brimstone. Some dude had written on the walls of Babylon and then someone else suggested it was the hand of God rather than some kids with too much time and paint on their hands.

I chuckled and thought of Monty Pythons "Life of Brian" then proceeded to put a pillow over my head to muffle my laughter and filter out the silliness coming out of my home theater system.

Emerging from the bedroom it quickly became apparent that my neighbors could probably hear the sermon too. Not very cool.

After politely declining the offer to join her on the couch to listen in, I suggested a lower volume might be more appropriate or maybe this really nice pair of Senheizer headphones even more so....

In knocking back the headphones there was only one other option to clear my head - fresh ground coffee. The buzz of the grinder gave me a full 30 seconds of aural insulation from His words coming out of my speakers. A moment later I made a second cup for no other reason than to use the grinder again.

Eventually she almost got the point but swapped the sermon from the mount for some good wholesome Christian radio instead. It was about now that I lost it.

Wishing to avoid a confrontation, I loaded my car with kite surfing gear and suggested that the party was over and it was time for me to pay homage to Poseidon and the Anemoi gods with a new and hip twist care of Mr Cabrinha.

We hooked up again later that afternoon for a bit of a dance and dinner but things were getting a little awkward. My lack of faith, or rather my adoration of false idols was obviously rubbing the wrong way a little.

Monday night and the email arrived with a cheery beep. There was more talk of the list, the need for children to be presented with a consistent view of the world from their parents and that she was sure that He would find her the right man.

The insinuation was of course that I was not that man.

Finally something we saw eye to eye on.

I replied in the affirmative that backing off was a great idea.

An interesting post script to all this is that we are both booked into a weekend of dancing in a few weeks time where we were to share a room. On further discussion as to how this was going to work she replied that the idea of a naughty weekend sounded like a lot of fun so we should not change any plans.

Brilliant, I suppose I can abide breaking of rule number 4 after all.

I'm going straight to hell..

Antagonising the deeply faithful seems to have become a wicked little past time of mine.

Now before I get onto the meat of this story I need to take confession. If that last line does not give it away, I am indeed by baptism a child of the Catholic church.

I had the dubious joy of attending a Catholic school and even spent a few early years of that time under the brutal rule of the "Brothers".

My time under the influence of the strap taught me two things in life. Firstly, I actually did more work when threatened with a solid beating and secondly the callous and malicious behavior of those representing their God on earth seems to be directly proportional to their level of faith in a God who, on face value to me at least, really does not give a shit or is also tending towards the masochistic.

It is also possible that He is rather poorly organised and hence the problems that should be fixed with a wave of the hand just keep getting put of until next week.

By now you probably understand that for me, faith in God is not really an option. It just does not compute for me as an individual, to believe that I am part of someone's giant ant farm play thing.

A religious education did nothing other than teach me that religion = control and wealth. I would not go so far as to say control of the weak minded but I do lean that way.

Don't even get me started on the mixing of religion and state...

So back to the fun stuff.

Every now and then on my search for a mate, I meet someone who's faith rules their life. For me this is like bad teeth are to Fanny or an unwashed butt crack to Phish. Pretty much a deal breaker.

The last one of these had beautiful olive skin, deep green eyes and curves in all the right places. She could talk the leg of a chair and seemed totally in touch with her sexuality as far as God willed it. It seemed that his will stopped short of sex before marriage which she proudly announced on our first date. We had met once before but circumstances had us get to know each other via the phone for about ten days before finally meeting again in the flesh.

The date was to be a meet and greet, some dancing and a chance to see if the initial connection was real or imagined. I have to admit that by this time I was already a little dubious as to how far all this might actually go. Our previous conversations had covered the level of her faith, her activity in her church and her feelings on the whole sex before marriage issue. All this was covered between graphic descriptions of how she was sorting herself out while thinking about all the other things you could do while not having sex.

On meeting in the street I was polite and went for a gentle kiss on the cheek. I closed my eyes for a moment too long and found a tongue in my mouth. Hello!

Over dinner she announced that as we were going to be out an about on a work night and her home was so far away, she had come prepared and had her clothes for the morning and a toothbrush for the night. She was going to stay at my place if that was ok.

Um, ok.

To be continued.....