Aug 15, 2008

Short but sweet

The Christian has been fed to the lions so we are back to our regular programming.

It was my first break up via email which was right on par for her PDA scripted life. The weekend had gone swimmingly with dancing, dining and sexin without the sexin. If you know what I mean..

The wheels however started to fall of on Sunday morning right about the time she needed to be congregating.

The plan had been for her early departure to attend her church. This was obviously going to mess with my Sunday morning worship at the love cave but there are some sacrifices that need to be made right?

It was however going to give me a perfectly timed leave pass to go kite surfing. After all, it was blowing a freaking gale and despite the Arctic chill in the air it had been weeks since my last blast on the water.

The plans changed. It seemed that she had swapped a morning at church for some prerecorded sermons that she could listen to.

Now I am about as tolerant as they come but there are a few things that tick me off.

1) Changing the radio station in my car without invitation when you are a passenger.
2) Re-activating the Christian TV channel on my HD receiver
3) Talking about God as if he is in the room when I can clearly see that there is only the two of us here.
4) Any form of hypocrisy regarding your belief system.
5) Smelly people who can't dance.

This lady smelt nice and she is a great dancer so you can guess which 4 of the 5 she hit out on in our short time together.

With the sun starting to stream into the house and the rumble of motorbikes going for their Sunday morning sprint she announced she was getting up to listen to her sermons.

I thought about sorting myself out briefly but then figured that after her fill of God she may be feeling turned on so I would steady my hand for now. With that thought I rolled over and went straight back to sleep.

After another hour of sleep I awoke to hear the house filled with fire and brimstone. Some dude had written on the walls of Babylon and then someone else suggested it was the hand of God rather than some kids with too much time and paint on their hands.

I chuckled and thought of Monty Pythons "Life of Brian" then proceeded to put a pillow over my head to muffle my laughter and filter out the silliness coming out of my home theater system.

Emerging from the bedroom it quickly became apparent that my neighbors could probably hear the sermon too. Not very cool.

After politely declining the offer to join her on the couch to listen in, I suggested a lower volume might be more appropriate or maybe this really nice pair of Senheizer headphones even more so....

In knocking back the headphones there was only one other option to clear my head - fresh ground coffee. The buzz of the grinder gave me a full 30 seconds of aural insulation from His words coming out of my speakers. A moment later I made a second cup for no other reason than to use the grinder again.

Eventually she almost got the point but swapped the sermon from the mount for some good wholesome Christian radio instead. It was about now that I lost it.

Wishing to avoid a confrontation, I loaded my car with kite surfing gear and suggested that the party was over and it was time for me to pay homage to Poseidon and the Anemoi gods with a new and hip twist care of Mr Cabrinha.

We hooked up again later that afternoon for a bit of a dance and dinner but things were getting a little awkward. My lack of faith, or rather my adoration of false idols was obviously rubbing the wrong way a little.

Monday night and the email arrived with a cheery beep. There was more talk of the list, the need for children to be presented with a consistent view of the world from their parents and that she was sure that He would find her the right man.

The insinuation was of course that I was not that man.

Finally something we saw eye to eye on.

I replied in the affirmative that backing off was a great idea.

An interesting post script to all this is that we are both booked into a weekend of dancing in a few weeks time where we were to share a room. On further discussion as to how this was going to work she replied that the idea of a naughty weekend sounded like a lot of fun so we should not change any plans.

Brilliant, I suppose I can abide breaking of rule number 4 after all.

11 comments:

unique_stephen said...

Well, if she wont worship at the priapic temple of Josh you may need these to keep you warm.

You could try Lamentations 2:10 on her - which I'm sure is a reference to how virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex.

Song of Solomon 2:3 seems to be suggesting women should engague in oral sex- "his fruit was sweet to my taste". But you have to remind her to swallow - God is displeased when seed is spilled on the ground (Genesis 38:9). And then there is that whole living water thing Jesus was talking about John (4:10-16).

Good luck at any rate.

Josh said...

Stephen You really are unique....and just a little freaky some times.

I bet you had all the rude words highlighted in your dictionary too.

unique_stephen said...

guilty - do I go to hell for that?

phishez said...

Hypocrisy is intolerable. Unless it ends in an orgasm.

Is that about it?

Em said...

haha @ phishez.

Hey, have some fun and the set her free to meet the right man. No harm done.

And is it only people that smell bad and can't dance that bother you? What if someone smells nice but can't dance? Or doesn't smell nice, but can dance?

Kitty said...

darls, you don't want in to the fucking God Squad. BOR - RING!!!

i myself stick fairly and squarely to jedi.

hot boys, clever toys and i get to chase big hard light sabres whenever i waaaaaaant...

phishez said...

Oooh. Kitty. Do their lightsabres make that really cool noise too?

phishez said...

I have this great image of a guy whipping it out, waving it around and making that noise.

My stomach hurts from laughing!

Josh said...

Stephen um no. The only fair punishment for you is Heaven. You get 100 virgins that will never give it up as your punishment.

Phish I am now ready to take that hypocritical oath in that case.

Em I am a big fan of catch and release in this sport.

As for the required combination of smelly and dance ability, they probably should have been listed as separate items.

She would have to be Ginger Rogers before I could handle smelly and even then she would only have me for the 4 minutes the song lasted.

Kitty True to a point I suppose but in this case a smoking hot body combined with repressed sexual tension is making for a lot of fun.

It also helps that my light saber is full charged and ready for battle..

Phish Check this out, my schwartz is bigger than yours.

shwwwwwwiiit....
fffwwwwwooom....
woooommmm....

unique_stephen said...

100 virgins that swallow and take anal for eternity may just be ok

Dagny said...

Fucking godies.

ugh.