Oct 27, 2007

I'm leaving, on a jet plane...

Yep, I am packing my bags and flying away. I will attempt to post while away but things may be a bit sparse over the coming weeks.

With some luck I will come back with fantastic tales of sex in exotic places or with exotic people. At the very least I hope to be able to tell you about having sex with exotic parts of people...

In the mean time, I have been tagged by Phish to do one of these things that some spawn of the devil comes up when bored. Now that is not a dig at you Phish, I am actually flattered that you might want to know these things about me but the whole meme thing just irritates me for some reason.

So, here we have "5 things that I do, did or like that I’m proud of, but that others may think are totally lame. "

1. I procrastinate. Now I am actually proud of this because I am the master of it. Other, more focused and organised people think it is a lame skill, but they just don't understand the effort required to waste time avoiding stuff you need to do.

2. I am an insomniac. I regularly go for weeks at a time on three hours or less per night. A bit like Phish mentioned though, when the chance comes up, I can sleep for 18 hours straight. I realise this will no doubt shorten my life if not rectified but hey, the number of waking hours will probably total the same, just in fewer years right?

3. I am obsessive about stuff I enjoy doing. There are no half measures with me. If I find something I like doing, I will go at it full speed ahead to the exclusion of all other things until I perfect it or achieve a skill level that I am happy with. I will then keep doing it or compete in it to the highest level I can until I break something / run out of money or find a new favourite thing to do.

4. I am a geek. As I type this I have three computers surrounding me, all on and all doing something different. I love high powered and well written software and the possibilities it presents to procrastinate.

5. I am a big softy who will walk away from a potential shag to avoid hurting or taking advantage of someone. I have probably missed out on a tonne of good bootie because of it but I don't really mind.

I am revoking my right to tag 5 people because I am feeling a little lazy and I figure that if people want to do these things they can always just do it.

Oct 17, 2007

I wish I could draw..

Ok, this is a little bit of a lame post but hey, this made me laugh.

Life is good. Hope yours is too!

Oct 13, 2007

A mystery man - loosing his virginity!

A covering note by Josh...

Wow, now this is interesting. My first post by a guest. I am not sure why I have been chosen for this honour but I will take it because I have been too pre-occupied to be creative.

So the background story is this. I got an email from a reader who had a story bursting to be told but too many real life visitors on his own blog and a kick arse case of shyness. So he will remain unnamed, and anything but shamed.

Because I am posting this on his behalf, I am going to close my opening with my comment; Dude! I wish I lost my virginity to you! And don't talk down your writing ability. It worked for me..

OK, well hi. This is in response to Betty Boob Hug's how I lost my virginity post.

Who am I - well lest see. I'm a boy. I blog, I'm 30 something. If you read here you've possibly encountered me on the interwebs but I didn't want to post under my nom de blog 'cause, well, my blogs not really anonymous and this is not the kind of stuff that you generally put out there for your mum to read. I'm not pretending to be anything like the writer Josh is. In fact I know I'm a crap stilted writer, especially as this is all true which sort of limits the creative aspect of the writing, so begging your forgives now, allow me to weave you a tail....

I had to wait till I was 13 and a half. It was in the bush one summer evening with a girl I knew had a crush on me from the neighbourhood. She and I had been mates for years and used to play doctors and nursers and pee in bottles and all that shite when we were 7 or so y.o, she was a few months younger than me but we were in the same year at school and had started out in the same kindi and primary school. Fast froward to a summer holiday night in early 1983. We'd been to see a move and were walking back to our street from the bus stop through the bush. There was lots of light around from some near by flood lit sports fields.

begin digression

I'd seen her naked before in a variety of contexts, from truth or dare games with other kids to being a peeping tom and perving on her in the shower or even brazenly pulling her top off at the beach once.

I had always been very sexually experimentive and sure of myself, from feeling up girls in primary school to brazenly pashing the girls when we played catch and kiss on the playground.

We weren't boy friend/girl friend, we just knocked about, went camping with other kids, played on the local soccer team together, did martial arts, swim team, sailing on her dads dingy. Built a cubby house in a tree. We were friends. Perhaps saying that I knew that she had a crush on me may be a bit much but I knew she'd be game if I asked. I certainly had a crush on her and would get a boner in seconds if I thought of her in that way. Which she would purposefully illicit every now and again by flashing me a boob or saying something suggestive.

..end digression , back to the walk home..

There's sort of a grassy clearing in the bush there with a big white sandstone bolder that had rolled down the hill from some cliffs higher up. As we walked through the clearing I piped up the courage to say - 'Hay Ro', ( her name was Rowena), 'Take your clothes off and stand on the rock. I want to see you naked'. She stopped and looked at me and said quid pro quo. She went to a snobby private school where she did Latin and stuff and always made me feel dumb - I had no idea what she meant but pretended I did and she took me by the hand and lead me up and onto the rock. It's a full on rock climb to get on top but on top it's flat, bigger than a dining table and full of memories of games as kids. She laid out the rules, you take something off me and I take something off you.

Cool, I thought.

She was taller than me, very fit with long legs and long long blond hair, pretty but not beautiful, sort of a boyish body with small very round boobs and straight up and down hips but I liked her tummy - you could see the mussels; long on either side, cut abbs and the long narrow oval belly button. Her back was nice, mussels but smooth and tan from all the sports.

I started with her shoes;

- chest pounding -

she with mine,

- nervous tight tingling feeling in my hands and chest like I'm breathing butterflies -

then socks,

her cut off jeans.

She stood up for me and I pulled them down slowly, she was facing away from me, half way down I cheated and pulled her undies aside in the middle and had a good look, pulling her apart a bit to see better. When they were off and she was standing there she asked me “what do you want – what do you want to do”. I've very clear memories of that night except for what I said next, I can still see her standing there in a loose white t-shirt, it had a little flag on one sleeve, and smallish light tan coloured cotton knickers, little straps on the side, I can remember the chest pounding heartbeat, her goose pimples, the smell of the little wet patch on her undies. I know by “what do you want to do” she meant "how far do you want to go tonight" , but I have no idea what I replied to her, the memory of the nervousness and euphoria is however acute, what ever it was she replied 'OK, good' .

- ravenously horny, and I knew we were going to fuck -

She folded up her pants and put them under her and sat or knelt down and tugged my shorts down. Undies and shorts at the same time. I knew when she pulled them down that my cock would be right in her face and I imagined my cock rubbing against her neck and cheek so I sort of purposely aimed myself at her. As they came down I sprang up and whacked her in the face and straight away she took me in her mouth whilst my pants were still around my knees. The world stopped for me. I had imagined her doing this to me for ages and here I knew that I would remember this for the rest of my life.

She stopped and took my pants off the rest of the way. I clearly remember her transfixed on my cock. She was looking at it and had my testicles cupped in her hand like she was weighing them. I wanted to take her knickers completely off but I didn't want her to let go of me so I took her top off first. She didn't have a bra on so when I pulled it off there she was, holding my balls and sitting naked but for a pair of knickers. Her hair had come out of the clips when I took her t off so she let go of me and and was putting it back, I reached froward and tried to pull her knickers off whilst she was doing her hair up but she was sort of sitting on her butt so it was kind of awkward, she was leaning back and shifting from side to side to help me. Kind of anticlimactically they came off.

But now she was naked.

- tickling in the chest, can't breath out properly-

She took my t off so now we were both naked.

I was a skinny teenager. I'd done lots of sports so I wasn't a total weed but I had long gangly arms and legs that I hadn't grown into yet. I'd never thought of myself as good looking or worried about what I looked like at all. It had never crossed my mind that someone would want to see me naked so I was thrown when she said that she liked my shape and started rubbing my chest. It felt nice to be told that and I had a very warm feeling inside alongside all the other butterflies. I became aware of her breath near me and started to hug her and feel her up. I remember how warm she felt. I spent ages rubbing and licking her nipples delighting in making them go all stiff.

I asked her to lie down so that I could look at her which she did for me, laying out some of the cloths against the roughness of the rock and adjusting her a bit so that I could see better in the lights. She had a very calm expression on her face as I peered between her legs for ages, I looked, I poked, I tasted. I knew what was what but I had always assumed that the hymen completely covered the entrance except for a small hole. I sort of imagined a gossamer thin 'membrane' like a piece of stretched balloon so I was disappointed thinking that she had already lost her virginity and asked her about it. She was a virgin she said, and guided me to all the relevant bits to satisfy my curiosity and suggested that if I wanted I could look again later and see if anything had changed.

She sat up and made me lie down where she had been then squatted over my face and told me to lick her first. Her / my aim was off and I ended up licking her ass as much as anything else but she went wild for it any way. Bending forward she started 69ing me and licking my nuts, my anus, my whole cock. I have no idea how I didn't come.

She turned around and asked me 'How do you want to do it?' I had a massive lump in my throat and couldn't answer but somehow we manoeuvred ourselves into the missionary without loosing any skin.

I was kind of lying on top of her trying not to squash her and we positioned everything. I remember feeling this sort of pushing sensation which I look back on a sort of prompt from evolution - here is how you do it son - I really wanted to push. Well, here it was. Time

I expected more resistance. She gave a little yelp and pressed her hands against me to slow me - she had this face that was half way between a grin and a grimace but let me go further till it was in to the hilt. I waited for a bit then the pumping urge took over. We'd seen plenty of porn by that time in our lives and knew what it was all about. She wriggled a hand down between us and started playing with herself. We tried a few positions. Her on top was good, she was sitting up which gave em a great view of her. She told me it was OK to do it inside her, she hadn't had her period yet - whatever that meant, I hadn't thought about condoms or pregnancy or anything like that. Then bang, gasp, all over. We sat there for a while, her on top of me rubbing herself till she came. She stood up and it all dribbled out of her onto me which I didn't expect and thought was odd - something else you never see in the pornos. She offered me a tissue and as we cleaned up. She put her t-shirt back on and lay back down and pulled her knees up into her chest. I can't say I saw too much that was different except for the raw look and some blood around the minora. 'Does it hurt'. 'No but it still feels full like it is still inside me'.

Pretty soon after that the teen social dynamic started to dictate our friendship. She was definitely one of the 'in' crowd, I was a total dork. She stuck up for me on the school bus once tho' some kid was being a bit of a bully calling me gay or some such and she said something like - 'lay of him Martin, he fucks like marathon runner - you're just a fuck head'. Respect.

Over the next year we fucked a few more times then I moved house. I was a bit of a geeky dag and didn't have girlfriend until year 11 but she had a series of boyfriends pretty much after that. We smiled and chatted when we saw each other on trains to and from our respective schools but never dated. I hooked up with her again at an inter varsity winter games where we did a threesome with another girl who later became her lover - not for the last time in my life would I 'turn' a chick. She was with her for at lest a few years that I know of and I suspect, given that I just Googled her and found that she's working under the same surname that they are still together. And me... well, I may have a few more stories that would be worth the telling :-)

Oct 11, 2007

Where's the freaking monkey?

So I have been a bit distant, not as online as I want to be. Sorry.

Unfortunately it is not because I have discovered the love of my life and been busy shagging in the glow of a plasma heightened environment. No, sad to say, much more mundane than that.

For me it is that time of year where I am called to travel to distant shores and exotic cultures to play games of skill for buckets of gold. Sound good? It is but I'm not telling you where or how or what.

The reality is that the working holiday is still a few weeks away, but in order to make that time I need to get other real life chores sorted so that I am not bothered by the minutia of day to day business while off playing.

I thought I would just jot down a few things that have made me laugh or pushed my buttons of late. The moments that have tickled me.

1 - I had noticed on Facebook that my XGF was listed as being in a relationship, she was also listed as "looking for what ever she could get". This made me laugh because it summed her up perfectly and she probably did not even realise how succinct a self assessment she had made.

2 - The awkward look and silence when I queried my XGF about her new relationship, "so who is the luck boy?" was all I asked.

She shuffled her feet, looked at the ground and mumbled something about "now that would be telling..". Again I laugh because I don't actually care who it is, as a friend I would like her to be happy and I was going to use the conversation as an opening to say that. Alas, either there is no man or I know him and she thinks I will care.

I mean I do care. Who ever he is, will have some great sex, spend a shit load of money and get shafted in the end. Been there, done that, bought the shirt - she took the shirt so I can't prove anything but I know I took that ride....

3 - Shopping and clubbing with a 20 year old dance partner. That is good fun. Really good for the old ego. As a wise man once said, you are only as old as the woman you feel.

The best bit here is she has a boyfriend, there is no expectations, it is a genuine platonic relationship that involves moving, grooving and grinding in public places, in a way that says to the rest of the world that you actually shag like rabbits when you get home.

Now the shopping bit I can normally take or leave - I am a real bloke after all, but we are in a comp together so need to look like partners and spent an afternoon doing the rounds sorting out WTF we were going to wear.

We recently spent an afternoon in dressing rooms with some of the smallest bits of cloth I have seen. The moment that made it all worthwhile...."Sorry babe, I am really struggling to keep looking at your face with that top on" to which she replied, "No seriously, I don't want you looking at my face, what is it doing for my boobs? Do they look good? Are my abs cut enough to get away with it? Seriously check it all out, I need to know the truth ok?"

Fuck I love dancing.

4 - My media player and plasma TV. I got this cute little black cylinder with a giant hard drive that plays all my video stuff. It also has a high definition digital tuner so it can be used as a PVR (Think Foxtel IQ or Tivo). Everything I download is stored on there and plays straight to the TV.

Music, Movies, TV, DVD's and downloaded stuff from the interwebs including Pr0n - all of it available at the flick of the remote on 42 inches of viewing pleasure with full surround sound to keep the neighbours kids awake. There does not seem to be anything it can't play. I love it.

5 - Californication. I am not home much these days and I have little patience for live TV normally. There is nothing ever on when you want it to be. I have given up waiting for ad filled crap to appear on Aussie TV, late at night and weeks, months or even a year after it aired in the US or even Uzbekistan.

Californication is one of a hand full of guilty TV pleasures. Despite the networks here getting their shit together so we are only a week behind, I still download it because the time slot guarantees I will forget to record it.

Sure it has some raunchy sex scenes (well raunchy for TV..) but I actually like the characters. It feels well written and warm underneath the laugh out loud funny spots. I have an empathy for the characters and David Duchovny lives the life I would have if I was a drug fucked, sex addicted playboy writer. It makes me smile so I love it.

In the same group is Dexter - a forensic cop who specialises in blood splatter and just happens to be a serial killer. Very warped but again, so well written it tickles me. I have no idea if it will ever make it to Aussie TV but I am into the second series care of bittorrent and really look forward to each half hour of Dex digging himself a deep, deep, blood and body part filled hole.

6 - Fitness. I am officially bringing sexy back. Justin Timberlake can go fuck himself because I am gonna be the man. This has been a long term project (life long really) and I can pin point where I fell off in the deep dark past and where I am now compared to my peak fitness.

You know you are getting it back when you roll out of bed and straight into 25 minutes of crunches, chin ups and free weights then do the same again before getting into bed. When you dance a minimum of 4 nights a week for about 2.5 hours each time, and go to a climbing gym for a few hours once a week. You know your getting it back when it feels worse to not do it, than it does to do it.

Summer is here and the toys are coming out. I am still not where I was at 20 years old before a big MoFo of a motor cycle accident but I feel like I am going to get there real soon and I am loving it. Not being in a relationship is sure helping this little selfish bit of physical abuse.

7 - Peace returning to blogland. There were a few weeks there where the wheels fell off for a lot of people but we all seem to be back on track. I come here for a good time and a good laugh. It feels like the happy gas is flowing again.

Highlights include Kitty and the tin foil hats, bringing back the Smack, Phish getting some lovin, Steph getting molested by a crazy old Scott, Fingers disappearing up his own butt and the Captains suicide hot line. There are lots more but if you are reading this then you probably already read them too.