Jun 3, 2008

I'm going straight to hell..

Antagonising the deeply faithful seems to have become a wicked little past time of mine.

Now before I get onto the meat of this story I need to take confession. If that last line does not give it away, I am indeed by baptism a child of the Catholic church.

I had the dubious joy of attending a Catholic school and even spent a few early years of that time under the brutal rule of the "Brothers".

My time under the influence of the strap taught me two things in life. Firstly, I actually did more work when threatened with a solid beating and secondly the callous and malicious behavior of those representing their God on earth seems to be directly proportional to their level of faith in a God who, on face value to me at least, really does not give a shit or is also tending towards the masochistic.

It is also possible that He is rather poorly organised and hence the problems that should be fixed with a wave of the hand just keep getting put of until next week.

By now you probably understand that for me, faith in God is not really an option. It just does not compute for me as an individual, to believe that I am part of someone's giant ant farm play thing.

A religious education did nothing other than teach me that religion = control and wealth. I would not go so far as to say control of the weak minded but I do lean that way.

Don't even get me started on the mixing of religion and state...

So back to the fun stuff.

Every now and then on my search for a mate, I meet someone who's faith rules their life. For me this is like bad teeth are to Fanny or an unwashed butt crack to Phish. Pretty much a deal breaker.

The last one of these had beautiful olive skin, deep green eyes and curves in all the right places. She could talk the leg of a chair and seemed totally in touch with her sexuality as far as God willed it. It seemed that his will stopped short of sex before marriage which she proudly announced on our first date. We had met once before but circumstances had us get to know each other via the phone for about ten days before finally meeting again in the flesh.

The date was to be a meet and greet, some dancing and a chance to see if the initial connection was real or imagined. I have to admit that by this time I was already a little dubious as to how far all this might actually go. Our previous conversations had covered the level of her faith, her activity in her church and her feelings on the whole sex before marriage issue. All this was covered between graphic descriptions of how she was sorting herself out while thinking about all the other things you could do while not having sex.

On meeting in the street I was polite and went for a gentle kiss on the cheek. I closed my eyes for a moment too long and found a tongue in my mouth. Hello!

Over dinner she announced that as we were going to be out an about on a work night and her home was so far away, she had come prepared and had her clothes for the morning and a toothbrush for the night. She was going to stay at my place if that was ok.

Um, ok.

To be continued.....


phishez_rule said...

Does 'just in case' work occasionally then?

Miss N said...

If you're going to hell I'll see you there.. Can I have the first dance? I may need to hide from people..

Em said...

"Not having sex" and doing everything but, can be pretty damn fun... for awhile.

Kitty said...

see ya there!

i'll let you use my snow cone maker and everythink.

PS: Confession: even though I am not religious at ALL, the picture of the nun with her tits out is somewhat unsettling....or perhaps'offensive' to me. Isn't that weird? I dig nuns, prolly cause I've never MET ONE.

Wee-H said...

ive already gone :(

although now im here, i might as well enjoy myself!

Fanny F said...

Did I hear you mention Fanny?

Some people have a very elastic interpretation of the "no sex before marriage" bit. Looks like this lady's elastic may stretch a fair way ...

unique_stephen said...

Ahhh yes, Catholic School.... the memories.

Catholic girls were easy(ish) - anyone would think we boys ejaculated gold coins the way they dived in. But the Girls from Abbotsleigh and Pymble Ladies College - my god, talk about keeen. Those wacky Protestants must have mixed calisthenics and sex ed. Not so much the evangelicals though. They dress up tight and all but don't put out. Perhaps there is a special happy clapper handshake - they certainly bread like rabbits.
To all you evangelicals - thanks for nothing.

Derailing the sisters of the faithful has been a perpetual indulgence of mine. I look forward to further chapters in this little tail

fingers said...

Apparently if you plan on staying overnight at Phish's place, you'd better pack your assbrush...

Josh said...

Phish obviously!

Miss N you are already on my dance card. See you there.

Em Don't spoil the rest of the story ok?

Kitty I am still trying to figure out what we could do with a snow cone maker in hell...

Wee-h hows the weather down there? Anything I should pack for the trip?

Fanny not far enough IMO

Unique_Stephen I would go see a doctor about the passing of coins from your spout.

I have never bothered classing sexual partners by religious denomination but I guess tat is why you are unique and probably a closet statistician.

Fingers yep, and just hope you don't get it confused with your toothbrush for when you are visiting Fanny.

fingers said...

The Catholic chicks never got enough sex because their Catholic boyfriends were too busy smoking The Brothers' Bats...

Josh said...

Fingers You make it sound like the Brothers gave us a choice!

Besides, the nuns made a habit of looking after the girls so it was all good.

Now all we need here are those Danish cartoons and we will have offended almost everyone.