Aug 24, 2007

Painful flash backs...

Sitting at home alone on this Friday night, I am forced to think about why I am here, alone. I have to admit that I have been shaken by a recent post by Steph over at much Ado and even more so by the comments she has received.

It has made me wonder about the scum out there and how lucky I am to have never experienced that sort of hurt, and certainly happy to have never caused it.

It has however opened some recent wounds. The pain of a failed relationship just came burbling up to the surface and paralysed me.

I had great plans to go out tonight but my body has called for a break. I feel tired and broken. I need to tell this story for me.

Rewind to earlier this year. This house had another girlie bit to it, my partner, a dream, my future life. A special spark that went out the day she left.

Rewind a bit further and things were just starting to go wrong for real. We had plans in the family way but biology was not playing fair. On the surface it was all working, the boys were swimming and she was as regular as clockwork. This was our third miscarriage in three years and it tore our hearts out. The doctors just wanted to push IVF but you have to be strong and emotionally secure. The hormones, the schedule the pressure of it will kill anything but the most secure relationship.

Add to that the confusions and fear already there. We were getting pregnant, it just was not holding past 8 weeks or so. Why would IVF fix that? They could not answer in any way that made sense to me. The reading, the study, the questions did not help. Finding out that we are not alone in this struggle was no comfort.

We had friends having babies left right and fucking centre. Everyone but us. We wanted to be happy for them but it hurt. What hurt more was the few people that could not see the trauma, even though they knew we were trying, they still chimed in with the helpful comments like "you got to get on with it", "your not getting any younger", "Just shag more". Go fuck yourself was what I wanted scream. I didn't, we just stopped talking to them. It was easier but a sad way to deal with it. I have missed a large chunk of their lives and I am sorry for that.

The last miscarriage was the charm. Something broke for good right then. Curled up on the couch, the very spot I am sitting now, she said she didn't want to have kids. It was too hard. It was never going to work. She could not take the stress. Every period was failure, every late one was fear followed by a hammer blow. We were being torn apart 12 times a year.

Maybe we should have counselling? We need to talk to people outside of ourselves, we need to share this load. I want to have kids, I want to be a young dad. I want to share my adventure sports with them, teach them to climb, fly, sail, swim, ski and ride. She says; I don't do counselling, I know what I want, I'm not crazy. I want to be free of all this. I don't want a mortgage, I want to be free and reckless again. This is too hard.

My heart breaks. How do you answer that?

As if to make a point she starts smoking. She hasn't smoked since we hooked up six years ago. Back then I had joked that I would never go out with a smoker and she had quit right there and then. We were inseparable from then until it all ended. We travelled, we had adventures, we planned, plotted and schemed.

Rewind again. I'll have to check out this dancing thing. She seems to be getting right into it and wants me to go. I have said no for so long that is has become a mexican stand off. Truth be told I am scared. I will embarrass myself and her. She is such a great groover. I will be gumby next to her.

She tricks me with a bet. If I win my next competition, I will qualify for a major event. If I win, I have to learn to dance so we can dance together at the big one. I am always out to win. That is me, it is in my bones. Even the fear of dancing won't stop me taking what is mine.

I win, it was hard but worth the every minute of toil to get there. In the depression that follows, yes even winning is a downer when you have to go back to the real world, I realise that now I have to dance. She is smiling, we are happy, almost the happiest we have ever been.

Walking into the club I can see the new friends she has already. It is odd, this has been her little world for six or more months. It is the only part of out life we have not shared and straight away I can see why.

He has a girlfriend, she is his fiancée in fact. Then why do I feel green? What is it in his eye and the way they move together that makes my blood run cold. It is just about the dancing right? I'm not the jealous type so this feels ugly.

Fast forward for a bit. We have bought a house instead of getting married. It is a smarter use of money as sad as that sounds. At some point in the future I will be so glad it happened this way. I just don't know it yet. I am dancing every night I can, that knot in my gut is still there and then it is confirmed. How is not important but his fiancée and I know it is true.

Within weeks of moving into the new house I find out she has shared our bed with him. I am shattered. I make the dumbest decision in my life. I forgive her. I had always believed there was no coming back form that sort of break in trust and yet here I am. It takes ages to fade, I push it down. It actually it never does, no matter how much you lie to yourself. Even now I am fighting back tears while writing about it. Cunt!

Rewind again. We are up the far north coast of Queensland. We have only just got together and in a brilliant bit of timing I have secured a short contract that will give us the chance to travel a little and get to know each other, live together without actually having the whole moving in together discussion. Three months in paradise.

I think we lasted a few days before I blurt it out while we embrace in the surf. As I stand there with her legs wrapped around my waist, my arms holding her close, her breath in my ear, I know. She is everything I have ever wanted. I love her and I tell her so.

We kiss and she smiles. She loves me too. I am the luckiest guy on earth.

Fast forward. I walk in from work and she is drunk. The bottle of champagne is mostly empty. She is not a pretty drunk and the look says everything I never wanted to hear. I want to run. I don't want this to happen but I am wading in molasses. There is no escape. There is no answer, nothing I can say. She has made up her mind. She has not talked to friends of family, she doesn't want them to tell her she is crazy. She does not want to e talked out of it.

I want to tell her she is crazy, not for leaving me but for running away from problems and challenges, it is actually a recurring theme. The one difference between us. Even now I can't take the cheap shot, I still love her.

I have to let her walk. There is nothing I can do. It takes two to tango and if one won't dance then all bets are off.

Fast forward. It is tonight, I am regretting not dancing tonight but I had to get this out of me. I have been running and it was time to stop and catch my breath.

I promise my next post will be more fun.


Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I'm sorry.

It's ironic I came here and read this this morning. My hubby and I suffered thru ONE miscarriage and that about shredded my heart to bits. Tried and tried to get knocked up after that, rhythm method, fertility pills, double dosed fertility pills...and nothing. We didn't have the ten grand for IVF...there's no guarantees and I didn't want six kids at once (if it DID work), I only wanted we decided to adopt. Met the couple who didn't want the baby (they wer VERY young), went to the attorney, got all ready and two weeks before the birth, she changed her mind and kept the baby girl. Again, I was devastated...not to mention we spent every spare penny we had on the attorney, who was a crook anyway.

I've heard the "you're trying too hard to get pregnant, just relax and it will happen). After the gazillionth time I heard it, I wanted to start ripping throats out. And just a few days ago, I posted how I had to attend my nieces baby shower and I HATED it. I thought the older I got, the easier it would be...but it doesn't get easier, at least for me.

Sorry, I rambled and took up this much space and you don't even know me...but I feel for you...I really do. Stuff like that can rip people apart so so easily. And you are SO takes never ever could've held that together by shouldn't have to...that's too much to ask of anyone.

Jenny! said...

I can't even imagine the pain involved with multiple miscarriages! So sorry you had to go through all that pain, and anyone who says taht a man is not as torn up about a miscarriage as a woman is insane!

Did it help to get that out?

Madam Z said...

Josh, you write beautifully. Your story is poignant. One of life's cruelest ironies is that so many people who truly *want* a baby and would be such good parents cannot conceive (or keep)one, and so many, many more who do not want babies and are terrible parents produce them like rabbits.

Josh said...

Stacy, We have already talked about this but what is left of my heart goes out to you...

Jenny!, much better now thanks. As for the miscarriage part of it, it had to be a different pain, we obviously don't have the physical side effects as well.

I know for her that was the hardest part - no only was she sad/angry/disappointed but there was a physical part as well that in her words was like a punishment.

Madam Z, welcome back. After thinking I should just give up on breeding, a wise friend pointed out that I owed it to the gene pool to contribute or else the world would be over run by the rabbits...

I suppose it was a compliment. We will see what happens eh?

Memphis Steve said...

I've only just got here, but I can so sympathize. My wife and I are on the verge of divorcing over the issue of kids. She was all for them before we got married. But now that it is time, she has reneged on the deal. She throws it in my face whenever she is mad. It is her control issue, something she can keep from me that I can't do anything about.

I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through this hell. But I think I know how you feel, for whatever that's worth.

finallyonmyway said...

what doesnt kill us makes us stronger m8, one day it will all make sense, everything happens for a reason, well i believe it does and i have been through some heart renching soul killing stuff to, we all have.

Hang in there xxx

... Erica x

unique_stephen said...

I have a close friend that is in more or less the same situation. I'm notorious for saying the wrong thing no matter how well meant I was/am and fear that I have uttered more that one of those sentences to him by way of offering advice.
I shall have to make it up to him by begin a better friend and getting him really really drunk.

phishez_rule said...

Its hard to disguise lust on the dance floor. You can act all you want, you can be a competent dancer, but you can't fake it. If its there, its blatantly obvious.

I have no words to help you with this. I'm glad you took the night off. As much as dancing is a relief, its only good for a distraction. And it doesn't compare to spending time with yourself.

Steph said...

Oh josh, I'm so sorry for what you've suffered. I have no idea what that would be like to go through, I can only imagine, but your pain is so very real and raw.

I'm sorry I spoilt your night out, but I hope it helped in some small way to write about this and excercise some of the demons. I know it did for me.

Josh said...

Memphis Steve, Reneged is a big word but that is exactly what I thought she did on our relationship too.

Good luck with sorting it out - also good luck with rednecks in your neck of the woods! Sounds like you have some characters out there.

Erica, I sure know that it is far from a new story or even a bad one compared to some. I also agree with the sentiment about making you stronger - I just wish there was a better way to learn those lessons.

Unique_Stephen, I am sure that a real friend will get over it and all will be cool in time. I know I have actually enjoyed getting to know their kids and getting back into their life again, it just takes time.

Phish, Damn the cheating ho! It was so easy to spot I was amazed that they thought they could hide it.

Interestingly the other couple got married and no longer dance...wonder why??

Steph, Mate, don't feel bad. This shit was going to bubble up some time soon. Your post and situation just got me thinking is all.

Like you said, it felt good to get it out. Thanks.