May 12, 2008

Tech gone wrong

I am, or should I say was, always pleased that there are very few things with buttons and software that could outsmart me.

Today however I got publicly humiliated by my new mobile phone.

Standing in the middle of a busy coffee shop waiting to order my lunch I hear the familiar ping of an inbound text message and the comforting vibration in my pocket.

I was pretty chuffed, here was an excuse to pull this shiny new bit of hardware out in public.

Now this was not about showing off or anything but just to casually look loved, needed and connected with a very sexy new phone.

Sliding the phone open and selecting the message I noticed the stunning girl with olive skin and green eyes behind the counter catch my eye and give a little nod approval at my phone selection.

Then it all went wrong.

I bumped a button on the key pad while eye fucking the chick.

I still am not sure which one. Which button, not which chick that is...anyhow.

The phone started to speak in a crazy, slightly English but very robotic female voice.

And a very, fucking, loud, voice at that.

Heads started to turn.

At first I did not realise that the noise was coming from my phone. Like everyone else I was wondering if there were ever female Darleks and if Captain Jack and the Doctor were going to turn up and start snogging.

By the time it registered that it was my phone, reading out my text message, it was too late. People had stopped to listen in.

I fumbled for the right key to shut it up - not realising that sliding the phone shut only locked the key pad and added another 4 seconds of torment before I got another go at shutting it up.

I never got there. The entire message was played to a captive and disturbingly quiet audience.

I now know, down to the very last second how long it takes to make a great flat white.

The barista was true pro. Not a smirk or a role of the eyes, not an opening to explain or a hint that even she had heard it above the pumping heart of the espresso machine. Until I reached for my coffee.

The corner of her lips curled up, just enough to say that she heard and more than enough to say that there was not point trying to explain.

I hope you enjoy the message as much as my fellow caffeine addicts did today.


unique_stephen said...

Looks like you've got a foot in the door with Shoe Girl? Hawww hawwww haww haww

btw: its the little button on the side

Miss N said...

Show off! Just cause YOU get messages like that!!! :) xx

Josh said...

Unique Stephen
No, it was not her but thanks for the tip on which button not to push...

Miss N
He he, I can send you a few similar ones if you want to have text with me ^o^

fingers said...

I'm betting it was the guy from the subway...

Anonymous said...

That's priceless. Just what I needed this morning!

unique_stephen said...

No problem, glad to help, some guys seem to have problems finding the little button and need help figuring out how to use it correctly.

Anonymous said...

Amen to that, Stephen.

Josh said...

Stop trying to push your railway fetishes on my blog you old anorak.

Always glad to publicly humiliate myself for others amusement.

Unique Stephen
Hey I am pretty good with that sort of thing, this was just the first one I have seen where the button was on the side...Freaky

Ignore Steve. Feel free to give me an anatomy practical exam anytime.

Kali said...

Ha! Ha ha ha!!

That made my morning (I'm easily amused)! How cringeworthy is that... Now the cute chick is gonna think you have a girlfriend. Double negative...

Anonymous said...

From reading some of your earlier work, I don't think you need any help with that.

Em said...

HAHA! That is awesome. Good job, Josh. :-)

Anonymous said...

In that situation, just rip the battery out. That tends to shut them up pretty quick. And it only takes about half a second.

Josh said...

That was exactly my concern!

Yeah, but it would be more fun to confirm for real wouldn't it?

Since when does a public mess up constitute a good job? Funny girl.

I am a boy with short fingernails...try getting the back of a nokia in under 10 seconds with bloke fingers.

Bo Bo said...

Sounds like a perfect match, your phone talks too much too.

Dagny said...