I am, or should I say was, always pleased that there are very few things with buttons and software that could outsmart me.
Today however I got publicly humiliated by my new mobile phone.
Standing in the middle of a busy coffee shop waiting to order my lunch I hear the familiar ping of an inbound text message and the comforting vibration in my pocket.
I was pretty chuffed, here was an excuse to pull this shiny new bit of hardware out in public.
Now this was not about showing off or anything but just to casually look loved, needed and connected with a very sexy new phone.
Sliding the phone open and selecting the message I noticed the stunning girl with olive skin and green eyes behind the counter catch my eye and give a little nod approval at my phone selection.
Then it all went wrong.
I bumped a button on the key pad while eye fucking the chick.
I still am not sure which one. Which button, not which chick that is...anyhow.
The phone started to speak in a crazy, slightly English but very robotic female voice.
And a very, fucking, loud, voice at that.
Heads started to turn.
At first I did not realise that the noise was coming from my phone. Like everyone else I was wondering if there were ever female Darleks and if Captain Jack and the Doctor were going to turn up and start snogging.
By the time it registered that it was my phone, reading out my text message, it was too late. People had stopped to listen in.
I fumbled for the right key to shut it up - not realising that sliding the phone shut only locked the key pad and added another 4 seconds of torment before I got another go at shutting it up.
I never got there. The entire message was played to a captive and disturbingly quiet audience.
I now know, down to the very last second how long it takes to make a great flat white.
The barista was true pro. Not a smirk or a role of the eyes, not an opening to explain or a hint that even she had heard it above the pumping heart of the espresso machine. Until I reached for my coffee.
The corner of her lips curled up, just enough to say that she heard and more than enough to say that there was not point trying to explain.
I hope you enjoy the message as much as my fellow caffeine addicts did today.