No, I have not flashed my bits to paparazzi, no I am not cruising around town with an unsecured toddler.
I have been attempting to break bits of my body in the pursuit of happiness.
Well that is a bit melodramatic but I am a boy and by all accounts we don't do pain and suffering very well.
With summer technically drawing to a close it was with a rush of blood to the head that I hit the water yesterday afternoon for a bit of kite boarding. It was an average afternoon with just enough wind to get going but the sun was out and the water was warm.
My circle of kite buddies is rapidly growing and no less than a dozen text messages bounced around between us all to confirm where we were going and what the wind was doing.
It was like a demo day with people swapping kites and boards and generally showing off.
The biggest kites amongst us were a couple of 16m beasts. These things are like tractors and in 10knots will blast you along very nicely indeed. In 15 knots anyone under about 95kg will start to get nervous. Above that screaming and large amounts of air time starts to be compulsory.
At this point I have to admit that technically I am a n00b in this sport. Sure I can get up and going and have even started doing small jumps and turns but at that point where ego exceeds skill level I end up with a salt water flush of my sinuses and generally entertain those sitting on the beach or sailing next to me.
Yesterday was no different.
On a 16 and heading towards the beach, I found myself on a little gust and the beach was coming up fast. Much faster than expected.
At this point there are two little physics lessons you should know about kite surfing.
1) The faster you steer the kite, the more power it generates - fast movements of the kite over your head will result in huge airtime. This is how you jump!
2) The more people watching, the bigger the crash.
I started to turn the kite back to other tack while trying to ease the power off and initiate the turn but a 16 is a big kite and it moves slowly. I was running out of water.
I turned the kite a bit faster and knew I was peering over that bleeding edge.
Silence. I am flying! Cool...
Eject, Eject, Eject!
I kick the board from my feet as the sand appears under me, I keep the kite over my head and power it up again to control the landing. At this point I am well outside my skill set and know it.
The landing is awkward and I roll my right ankle and go down like the proverbial sack of potatoes. Rolling forward and straight back to my feet looking cool - all be it covered from head to toe in sand.
My ears are ringing with the laughter from the peanut gallery.
I do what all self respecting blokes do. I ignore the pain in the ankle, I grab the board and return to the water in a defiant cloud of spray and a wave to the crowd. For about another 30 minutes.
Today I can hardly walk. The peanut gallery were not fooled either. They got to watch me limp around the beach packing up and again later as we left the Thai restaurant. Even a great feed and a few Bundy and cokes could not fix it.
I hope I can get it sorted before tomorrow - there is more boarding to be done and dancing during the week. I have watched a movie already with the ankle bound and elevated and I am over it!
Less limping and more action please.