May 4, 2009

I don't understand.

I have a dance partner and a lover.

One was born about the time I finished school and knows none of my silly music, life or film references.

She has an eternity of growing up to do, none of which I want to carry her through.

She is slim and petite but almost too much so for my carnal tastes.

She lacks the self assured sexuality I desire despite being able to turn on just enough to make the judges happy. Especially the dirty old ones that enjoy rolling their eyes over her naked navel.

Meanwhile I give myself to my lover, expose myself to hurt and disappointment. I give her a key to my house where she can seek refuge and live in my space for a weekend, explore and find out who I am with out my censorship.

Watch my porn, read my books, check under every rock and behind every closed door to see who I am. I feel naked and probed but content that I can be so open about who I am.

A thousand kilometers distant we pour months of hard work onto the dance floor and are rewarded with results exceeding our honest expectations. The one person I wanted to share it with is not there and she is told this again and again.

Yet all this trust and love is met with jealous accusations. Twice in two weeks now.

We do spend an insane amount of time in each others company, generally in a close embrace with our sweat, blood and tears mixing. We finish each others sentences like and old married couple and could get an Olympic medal for long jump when it comes to crossing the line in our private jokes.

Yet we go home to the ones we love, know that we are not connected that way and never will be.

I need her to understand that or it will all end.


fingers said...

Yeah she sounds stable.
Would you like to borrow my oyster fork...

Kitty said...


no idea from me. i suck at everything relationshipish.

Fanny F said...

That is not good news, Josh sweetie.

phishez said...

She's not a dancer. Dancers would get it.

Josh said...

Fingers I had thought about asking..

Kitty Me too it seems. I thought it was fine to have a 22 yo play thing :/

Fanny F No, not the best but life could be harder than just a little green eyed monster.

Phishez Stupid thing is that she is a dancer, and an accomplished one too. She should totally get it!

unique_stephen said...

Somehow I am absolutely certain that other opportunities will come knocking at your door, there for the taking.
If only for the short term

wee-h said...

At 22 girls want 'commitment'- for you to act like they are the center of your universe. This is obviously not so in her eyes. However 22 year olds don't get real commitment, and that real commitment means being able to share your life with other people (otherwise you'd go insane).

If she doesnt get this, drop everything for a few weeks and stalk her, get jealous and see how she likes it.

Ms Smack said...

does she have a dance partner?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Oh my. Um...sorry, can't help with any advice.

You sure she dances? I dance.

Best bet is to borrow fingers' oyster fork.


Josh said...

Unique Stephen Indeed, life is full of other options. I am not one to fuck about waiting for silly things.

Wee-H The 22yo is not the problem...she rocks and in many ways is smarter than the actual GF in life matters.

Miss Smack That seems to be more the issue as this all plays out. She does not have a proper DP right now and I think the jealousy is more about that.

The 22yo DP and I do have a very special, creative and successful relationship and I now know she wants that too.

Spiky She dances and because of that I thought she would get it...The oyster fork is looking like a better option every day.

So when are you going to come dance with me?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hi Josh...I'm waiting to hear from headquarters what that date is...I hear the hold up is from the Aussie side. They want their best people there. I'm thinking summer...later summer, but hoping for sooner. :)

Ciao honey.

Dagny said...

I get that. I fly with mostly men, and I'm lucky the one at home can see the difference.

Good luck.