A strange thing happened and it awoke something inside. I needed to come back here to see where I got lost along the way.
It was not an epiphany. Not so focused or loaded with religious overtones. Just an idea tinged with a sense of loss for a different life and level of energy. It seems that entropy, not fear, is the mind killer.
I regret to say that I don't like where I have found myself. I love my wife more with every day and the kids make my chest swell. They are not the problem or a burden nor something I wish any different. They are actually the best part of me.
The problem is that this world does not impress me. The light has faded from the gem it once was. It seems to suck the very marrow from the bones of adventure and leave me playing a game that I still have yet to master.
I have never run from challenge or others limitations but I find myself 18 months into this pandemic paralyzed and prone and to be honest fat and sad. This is not me.
Or maybe this always was me. Maybe I lost my monkey along the way. Maybe he got Covid and died while I was not watching? I mistook his wheezing last gasps for my own while pushing a lawnmower.
Fuck I hate mowing lawns. It is grass for fucks sake. Who cares? Where is the pride in having chopped and cropped a fucking lawn into order? It is like a public statement that "if you think this patch of green shit looks under control, you should see how locked down the rest of my life is!"
Hmmm. That is causing an awkward stutter in my brain now I think about it. Never did get around to mowing this weekend.
Is this how it happens? Is this the getting old thing that sneaks up on people? You wake up one day only to see that you fucked it up so far back that it is now too late to fix it? That you took the blue pill, thought that working hard would get you though only to realise too late that cheats really do prosper and there is more value placed on pretend work than actually making something?
I feel dumb and trapped. If home schooling has taught me anything it is that I don't know how to direct the next generation out of this mess. These boys are not drawn to the same things I am or even was. I don't know how to steer their ship when we can't agree on a direction and the answer to most things right now is that we cant go outside and do that.
I find myself hanging out for the apocalyptic failure of society with dreams of salvation though manual labor and self sufficiency. Quick thinking and problem solving will see me at the top of the heap being a man and providing for my family.
The plot holes and incompetence of the characters in the Walking Dead loom large as opportunities to do it so much better!
Sadly the logical mind kicks in and reminds me that I can't even keep a fucking lawn under control so why do I expect can suddenly grow yams and corn in lead laced suburban soil once the water and power go out?? We will be dead from dysentery, sepsis or the Omega variant of Covid because my prepping was as weak as my financial planning. I will have managed to drive right up the middle ground of both class and survival only to land arse first in punji trap that someone set up just for this day.
And the my mind circles back to the pandemic. As a rule I do not shy from risk and yet here I am. Embracing lockdowns, swearing at the anti-vaxers and protesters from behind closed doors and a mask for their lack of science and social responsibility.
Doom scrolling the news and being smug that this all pretty much matched happened as I thought it may back in March of 2020.
There is no joy in being right if it just makes you scared. It only reinforces the other dark ideas and scenarios that play out in your skull.
So, today we start to fix it. Or maybe tomorrow if the weather is better and I have had some sleep.
Exercise, diet and sleep with a healthy side of shagging for my lady love. The rest can go away along with the dream of generational wealth.
I may even keep writing here. It would be good to be home if the monkey ever comes back. I miss him a lot.
